Knowing Our Story to Know Ourselves
It was a late Monday night after an unexpectedly busy day. Following an 8 o’clock overdue oil change and a stop at Wendy’s for dinner—neither is the norm—I finally started the bedtime routine for the kids while my husband had a late-night meeting. They were tucked in, kisses were given, and I was finally exiting the bedroom. The second I slowed down to think about my own needs, not even a full minute later, I heard, “Mom!” My four-year-old, started with a soft, sweet, yet still deflating call, and it quickly escalated to full-blown demanding, “MOM!” … and then as I attempted to ignore it despite my shame, she spelled it “M-O-M!” She ended the requests with this dagger though, “Mom, please come if you don’t it will break my heart!” I wanted so badly to yell back and just ignore the request, until it struck me that her crying out to me was so bold - a courage I did not know as a four year old.
Grace in that moment opened my eyes to see that my daughter trusts me. She trusts me enough to disobey in order to gain my attention. So she was boldly crying out for one more minute of my affection. That was a lot to take in and process, but it was really beautiful to me. So I entered the room and found my sweet girl sitting up, sleep mask down (yes, a sleep mask), arms reached out for one more hug. By God’s grace, she got the affection she wanted, and I got an unexpected moment of healing.
It’s often these everyday honest interactions with the people we love that reveal the wounds and weaknesses within us. Only after we can see our humanity do we know our need for a savior. Jesus stands ready to heal your wounds and be your strength, but we have to stop and consider who we are, what we’re feeling, and come to Him honestly. For me in this story it’s questions like: Why did I find her trust in me so surprising? Why is that type of courage so unfamiliar to me? How am I feeling hurt, sad, lonely, afraid, etc.?
In my personal therapeutic work, I am learning to pay attention to how I feel and trace how it’s connected to my story of origin. This is applicable to anyone, so in my work as a therapist, I often seek to gain an understanding of how clients related to primary caregivers as young children because this becomes our framework for trust in all of life. We have all developed a false-self as a way of avoiding pain in relationships, managing who we are in order to fit into our world (and living frustrated about how we are unable to manage anyone else). Our false self an attempt to live against the lies we have been told explicitly or implicitly by our own strength—instead of finding healing through honest surrender to Jesus. We settle for human attempts to save ourselves.
My daughter has not yet learned to manage this part of herself, and that’s a grace of God. She’s not learned to believe the lie that she’s not safe or free to be honest about her feelings with me. Instead she feels her feelings (sad and lonely) and make her needs known (attention and affection) to her mother, who she knows loves her and wants what is best for her.
In this, I am learning to see and value my story, past and present. I discover opportunities to heal just by showing up in the daily things of life with honesty and willingness to bring my wounds into the light. Knowing your story is about where you’ve been and where you’re going, but it’s also about understanding who you are in every present moment. So, what are you feeling?
3 ways to better know who you are:
Be present with yourself. Take time to be still. Find a moment to ground yourself by connecting your mind to your body. For me this is lying flat on the ground, closing my eyes and accepting the aches and pains if feel in my body. Paying attention to where I am and who I am. I may utilize breath prayers, recite scripture, or use different breathing techniques. Whatever the moment may call for, I fight to be holistically present with myself before my God.
Check in. This is a moment to consider what you feel (physically and emotionally) in that moment. Be diligent to check-in where you are in that moment—not past tense or an aspirational feelings. I recommend finding a list of emotions that you use to check-in with regularly. I use Chip Dodd’s 8 core emotions, but there are a variety of options. Do what suits your understanding, but find something. If you struggle to identify what you feel, I recommend asking, “How do I feel [insert each individual emotion] rather than just saying what comes to mind. Then consider why certain ones are always easier to identify.
Tell someone. Don’t tell just anyone, but find a trusted friend with whom you can share your feelings. We confess and surrender ourselves to the Lord, but even God says it’s not good for man to be alone. Chip Dodd says, “If we have all experienced wounds in relationship, the only way to get healing is through relationships.” We need good friends, trusted individuals, to address our false-self with grace and truth-calling us out of darkness and into the light of the Gospel. Friends are hard to find, but whether it’s a parent, a discipleship group, or a therapist, we need other humans to be with us as we learn to be with ourselves.